Explaining War to Kids

By: Peri Gilbert-Reed, LPC, RPT

Kids are more aware than we often give them credit for. They are watching, listening, and soaking in information continually. Sometimes their brains can make a coherent story, and sometimes it makes a story full of frightening connections that weren’t meant to be. This has been witnessed certainly due to Covid, and now as war arises.

  As I watch the news the morning, images from the Ukraine are the first images that are shown. In my own heart and mind, I experience sadness, heartache, and shock for what I see. Imagine what a child may experience with these images. In addition, we live in a military community where many children have parents in the military. They need not see an image, but just here the word “war” and their minds may go directly to “Will my mom or dad have to leave?” or “Will I be safe?” 

 In order to help our children understand this season our world is in, we can offer them support in the following ways:

1)    Validation

Children need to be heard, even if what they are saying appears to be “unrealistic” or “irrelevant” to them. This can be done simply by stating, “I recognize you feel scared about all this right now” or “You hope daddy/mommy doesn’t have go away.” When we acknowledge their feelings, we normalize the emotion as well as let them know that we, as caregivers, can handle their emotions.

2)    Co-regulation

Sometimes when children feel scared, anxious, sad, etc., they have difficulty calming themselves down. In a world of uncertainty, this can be hard for not only children, but also adults. However, one of the ways that we can help children to learn how to self-soothe is by showing them. This doesn’t mean we, as caregivers, hide our emotions. It means we acknowledge the feeling, “I recognize you’re scared (and I’m scared too)” and then we offer a way to regulate those big feelings together, “I wonder if we can just breathe together” or “I wonder if we can go for walk together” or “What do you need from me right now to help you feel these big feelings?” Again, this lets children know that their emotions are okay and there is a healthy way to feel them and calm them.

3)    Reassurance 

Reassurance can be tricky. We cannot reassure them that mom or dad won’t have to go away (be deployed) because we do not have control over that. What we can reassure them of is that right now, mom and dad are here. Right now, mom and dad are with them and will do their best to keep them safe. In reassuring, you want to make sure that you are not offering absolutes for what you don’t have control of. In other words, saying “Mom and dad aren’t going anywhere!” We can’t promise that. First, many children until later childhood and adolescence, are concrete in their thinking. If you say you are not going, they literally take you at your word. And we go somewhere almost everyday. We need to be careful that we are not giving absolutes that can result in the child mistrusting us. Secondly, we have no guarantee what life will bring our way, and in a military realm that is certainly true. Therefore, if something were to happen, and you did have to go “somewhere,” we don’t want that to escalate the child’s worry, fear, anxiety because we promised them we wouldn’t go anywhere. Therefore, only assure what you can be certain of: Mom and dad are with you right now. 

4)    Safety

Because war is unpredictable, and because it shatters an image of safety, we need to be sure to offer children a sense of safety. You can do this by building on information the child already has. For instance, if the child asks, “How will I know I am okay?” You can answer with validating their feelings, and then asking them how they knew they were okay yesterday. In addition, you can remind them of all the safe people in their lives that do their best to make them safe. Asking them also things that make them feel safe will be helpful. This can provide you as the parent information on how to strengthen those elements of safety for the child. Of course, routine, consistency, structure, and boundaries are all components of helping children feel safe over which you have control.

5)    Level up or down

If your child asks questions about war or mom/dad going away (being deployed), answer in an age-appropriate manner and with truthfulness. What you will say to a three-year-old versus a thirteen-year-old will be different. However, the underlying message will be the same: you are safe, loved, and important. For instance, you might say for a younger child, “I know this is pretty scary for you. Right now, mom and dad are here. If mom and dad are ever going away, we are going to tell you. But we are here right now. What can we do together to help your heart feel better?” For an older child, whose questions very well may be more direct, you might say, “It sounds like you might be worried. What are some of your worries? Let’s talk it through. What can we do together to get through this?” Above all else, be age-appropriately truthful. If you don’t know the answer, say you don’t know. If you do know the answer, age-appropriately offer it. 

6)    Minimize

The images on television/news can be traumatizing adults; imagine what they can be for children. Therefore, minimize the amount of television or images of violence/war they see. In addition, minimize how much you talk about it in front of the children. However, do not minimize children’s feelings of they are experiencing. 

This world is complicated. We will not be able to explain every facet of it to our children. However, we can provide children with a sense of safety through validation, co-regulation, reassurance, and honesty at an age-appropriate level. No matter what uncertainty you face, you can face it together by weaving together these components.