Can’t Go Over It

Can’t Go Under It

You Gotta Go Through It

By: Peri Gilbert-Reed

At a grief camp I was introduced to the book Going on a Bear Hunt. Children acted out the story and then related it to their journey of grief. I wept. How true this little story was to the road of grief then and now.

When I am working with clients in understanding grief, I often refer to it as a journey. There is no one way to go about it and there are detours, pit stops, and potholes along the way. But one thing that is true about this journey is that you can’t just “get over it” and you certainly can’t hide from it (i.e. Go under it), you have to go through it (the one thing that everyone doesn’t want to do!). But if we choose not to go through it, if we choose rather to try to bypass it or hide from it, we only delay the process of grief and stifle the joy, hope, and peace at the end of the journey.

  Recently, I had the beautiful opportunity to lead a marriage seminar with my husband where grief was the primary topic. As I recounted our experience, I realized that I have spent more of my life in grief than not (25 years of it; I’m not fifty yet!). When I was nine, I had my first encounter with grief when my dad died. But I had secondary grief as well. My mom had no clue what to do with all that she was enduring, so she did what she only knew how to do: shut down. And children will grieve the way those around them show them how to. Therefore, I shut down as well. I became extremely angry and bitter, especially towards my mom. It was all out of pain. Thirteen years later, by God’s grace and mercy, my mother and I finally discussed my dad’s death and peace and restoration for our relationship came. And then WHAM, she died. It was another twelve years before I went “through” that one. At thirty-six I finally walked through grieving and what a peace it brought. But it took twenty-five years to get there.

  While this is my story, grief may not look the same for you. First, your grief may be the loss of a dream, idea, hope, health, and you name it. Grief is not just the physical loss of the person, which makes it sometimes even harder to walk the grief journey. Secondly, you may walk the journey of grief without delay or compounded grief. Or you may find there is so much grief piled together, you don’t know where to start! You aren’t alone.

  Another caveat to grief is grief is a hard journey not just for those enduring the journey, but also for those watching the one enduring it. It leaves both parties feeling helpless, powerless, frustrated, angry, and you fill in the blank. We don’t know what to say or do. In fact, we know there is nothing we can say or do that is going to make this magically better, and so sometimes we withdraw or isolate. We disconnect. We don’t want to ask for help or offer help because we don’t want to bother the other person. It hurts all the way around.

  But there are opportunities for healing! Below are some options for ways those grieving can walk through their pain and those around them can help them walk their journey.

 For those experiencing the grief journey:

 1)    This is your journey. Unfortunately, no one can walk it for you. It is yours, and no one gets to tell you how to walk your journey or how long to walk it.

2)    Grief is not linear. Sometimes you take the detour of anger, sometimes hit the pothole of sadness, and sometimes yield to bargaining. And other times, you start right back at shock and denial. It doesn’t necessarily mean you are doing grieving “wrong.” It just means that is where you are today.

3)    Your actions are still yours. Even amid the emotions that are swirling because of grief, you are still responsible for you. While there is no one way to grieve, what we do with those feelings and how we respond to others does matter.

 If you feel you are withdrawing/isolating, feeling “stuck” in the grief journey, and/or harming others because of the feelings you are enduring, it is time to ask for help. Seek out counseling or talk to a friend. This is a hard journey, and there is no need to feel shame in asking for help.

 For those who are observers of someone grieving, here are some tips for you to help them:

 1)    Meet them where they are. It may be a sad day, an angry day, a good day. Meet them in that time. If they are sad/angry/happy, validate and acknowledge that feeling; sit with them through it. You don’t need to fix it, and it is not yours to fix.

2)    Know your boundaries. While the person grieving will experience more emotions than you may know what to do with, it is okay to acknowledge that, to acknowledge that you may not know how to help him or her. In addition, if you feel the behaviors of the person grieving are harmful, you are allowed to communicate boundaries or step back.

3)    If you don’t know what to say or do, that’s ok. Sometimes your presence is the only thing the person needs.

  Grieving is a difficult journey for all. But it is necessary to walk it to reach a place of acceptance and healing. If you are having difficulty walking that journey, ask for help. It’s not weakness; it may be strongest thing you ever do.