Children and Grief: It Doesn’t Look Like You Think

            Grief doesn’t always look like sadness, and it doesn’t always manifest through tears. Especially in children. Often, we try to look at our child’s grief through the lens of adult grief. But our babies experience it so differently.

             Grief is often viewed in relation to losing someone that we love. While that is definitely grief, grief is also the loss of an idea, relationship, dream, and more. It can be divorce, loss of a friendship, a move to a new state, and more. The “main” person or thing that has been lost is considered the primary loss. Other changes related to the primary loss such as financial, relationships, dreams, etc., are considered secondary losses. Both primary and secondary losses require grieving. As adults, we may have a different view from our children of what the primary and secondary losses are. But both views are valid because, to each person, the view of the loss is real. No loss needs to be considered invalid even it appears “small.”

             Here’s an example. I was nine when I had my first experience with grief. I often tell people that I lost my dad and mom in a day: I lost my dad physically to cancer, and I lost mom emotionally. This event for me was a major defining moment, and at nine I had no idea what to do with it. I was waving at people at the funeral, up and down at the funeral, and afterwards, I was a nightmare. But it was all grief. I had two primary losses: my dad and mom’s emotional connection. From there I had several secondary losses: moving to a new state and leaving my dad behind, leaving friends, leaving family, financial impact, connection, hopes that my dad would be with me forever, hopes that mom and I would be best friends. All this culminated into me being a holy terror. I was defiant and mean, especially to my mother. To others I was kind, but clingy and controlling. I attempted perfectionism, because if I was perfect maybe I would be loved more. Looking back now, I recognize my cries of grief. I recognize that I did not have the language or emotional support to convey my hurt. Does any of this sound familiar to you?

             You may be thinking, “My child has not lost a thing and still acts that way.” And that may be true. But are you sure he or she hasn’t lost anything? For instance, your seven year old child appears inconsolable after learning she will be moving to a new school district. You may view this as a wonderful new transition, but to your child, he or she may be wondering how he or she will see some of his or her best friends again. That is grieving. In addition, we must remember that children perceive this life differently because their brains aren’t fully formed and don’t have the same life experiences as adults. Therefore, what may appear trivial or out of proportion to the event is quite on par for the child. 

             Lastly, know that children regrieve at different developmental stages. At five they may appear fine or as though they have finished grieving, and at seven they show signs of regressive five year old behaviors and have emotional outbursts. It appears strange and out of nowhere, but for the child, he or she may have been triggered by an event, dream, or something else that has released emotions of grief. In addition, as the child ages, he or she may have a new awareness because of development and regrieve what has been lost. 

             Regardless of the reason for the grieving or how that is being displayed, as a parent or caregiver, a child’s cries can render you feeling helpless and powerless. You may feel like you don’t know what to do or the child may even trigger you and any unresolved grief you may have. If this is true for you, first, know that you are not alone. You are not the only one struggling with these same soul wounds. Secondly, self-care is critical. If you are still grieving or have unresolved grief, seek help. Sometimes asking for help is the strongest thing you will do. But that isn’t the only self-care you need. Figure out a way to love yourself in a way that encourages and replenishes you. Next, know that your behavior does not need to waiver on your child’s behavior. Consistency and calmness are critical components for children from their caregivers, especially during times of grieving. Sometimes we have to loan them our strength and calm until they can develop their own. If you join in their outburst, you can become a part of it resulting in more emotional chaos.

           Grieving is a hard journey that has no timeline. And each person has their own journey to complete. You can only walk your journey. As much as you may long to take away the journey from your children, walk it for them, protect them from it, you must let them journey it as you must journey your own walk of grief so that all may arrive at a place of acceptance, of peace. That is one of the hardest things you will do: watch your little one walk through his or her grief. You can provide him or her comfort, but, again, you can’t walk the journey for him or her.

            If you or your family is having trouble walking that journey of grief, please ask for help. We can help all of you walk that journey.

For more information about children’s grief process visit here.