What Counseling is and is Not
What Counseling is and is not
As a counselor, I recognize there is a rational fear for going and telling a stranger about your problems. I have been in your seat at one time (and still seek help for myself!) and have felt this same fear. I also respect the skepticism with which you may enter the room. Helping to classify what counseling is may best start with what it is not.
What counseling is not:
1) A time to judge
Judging does no one any good. In fact Matthew 7:1-2 tells us that if we judge, we will be judged in the same way that we judge others as well as used with the same measure. We, as counselors, have no desire to judge; we have a desire to help you change. Therefore, if we are assessing something you are doing or saying, maybe addressing inconsistencies in behaviors, we are not judging. We are simply seeking to understand so that we can provide you another option. Because we care, we desire to present truth with grace to you for the sake of helping you achieve the change you seek.
2) Advice giving
Often clients come into our offices in extreme pain. Some of the first words we hear is “Just tell me what to do!” But that’s not our job nor is it helpful to the hurting. Many times people seeking relief from pain using defense mechanisms, not coping skills. The difference? Defense mechanisms are a natural response we have developed early in our lives. For instance, avoidance or disconnect. It is a way to help us survive. However, coping skills allow us confidence in being able to tolerate difficult feelings and situations without avoiding or disconnecting. They enable us to ground ourselves, tolerate our feelings, and produce a positive belief system in which we can work. So, back to why we are not advice givers: that doesn’t produce coping skills for you. There is more power for you in knowing YOU overcame something with your own tools than just following advice.
3) Detective agency
When people are hurting due to another’s behavior or maybe marriage partners are trying to “prove” the behavior of another, it is common for the individual to seek a “reason” for the other person’s behavior or try to prove that the other person is lying, cheating, etc. However, we, as counselors, are not detectives. Our goal is not to create an interrogation room for anyone. We desire to create an environment full of truth and grace. Therefore, we may point out inconsistencies or observations we see, but we don’t interrogate. We do not side with one person or the other. That defeats the trust, empathy, and unconditional positive regard environment we are trying to develop so that a person can trust us enough to tell us the truth. We present an environment in which each person can be a part of the solution if he or she chooses to do so.
4) Magic answer/Magic cure all
I often tell clients, “You’re not responsible for what you don’t know, but once you’re given the knowledge, you’re responsible.” Counseling provides you tools to explore difficult life and personal issues, but it also requires you to be responsible to implement these tools. I use the analogy of being in Home Depot. You’re surrounded by tools. But unless you use them, whatever you are trying to build/fix won’t get built or fixed. Counseling is a 10/90 percent work environment. Counselors do 10 percent of the work, and clients do 90 percent. You have to determine whether you want to be responsible to do the work necessary for healing.
Next, what counseling is:
1) A collaborative effort
No counselor can “make” you do what is necessary for your healing. Nor do we want to. We want to empower you to implement healthy coping skills which leads to change. We desire to work ourselves “out of a job” because you have found healing and met your goals. We deem that a success!
2) A hopeful connection
Counselors provide a nonjudgmental environment for you to research yourself. We allow you a place to ask the difficult questions as well as say the hard and scary things you’re feeling without you needing to worry about how another person may respond or feel. We help you to discover a connection to hope even in the midst of the hard and scary things.
3) A journey
As stated previously, counseling is not a cure-all or a magic answer. What we provide is a safe place for you to walk whatever journey you are on. We cannot, nor will we attempt, to take your journey from you. The journey you are on is yours and you are the only one who can walk it; however, we can be beside you as you walk through the pain and help you see the glimmers of healing you are seeking.
4) Confidential
Often people worry that others will find out what they said in session. What you say to us is confidential with three exceptions: if you are harm to yourself, someone else, or someone is harming you. We do not tell your mom, dad, friends, others or even your dog about what you said. If we feel others should know about a disclosure made, we will mention that to you and give you options for telling them or for us telling them together, but we will not tell them without your consent.
We desire counseling to be a place of healing for you. In knowing what counseling is and is not, maybe you will find peace in “sharing your burdens” with someone else.
If you would like to schedule an appointment, visit the Meet the Staff page to contact one of us.