Supporting the Hurting during the Holidays
By: Peri Gilbert-Reed
Not every person experiences joy during the holidays. This season of joy for many may be an experience of pain, grief, sadness, and loneliness for others. Here are some ways you can support the hurting during the holidays.
First, acknowledge the hurting. You may have friends, family members, and colleagues who have suffered, or are currently suffering, as this holiday season approaches. It is unlikely they will want to find the “good in things.” They are hurting and their pain needs to be validated. Rather than try to “cheer them up,” try to acknowledge their hurt. You can do this by stating, “I’m sorry this is a tough time for you,” or by asking, “Is there anything I can do to help you through this time?” This allows them to know that you are not “scared” of their hurt and recognize their pain.
Secondly, empathy goes a long way. Some people may seem “bah humbug” during this time. While it seems they are just being a grinch, it may be that this holiday reminds them of relationships gone bad, of time lost, of toxic family, and more. The holiday season brings temultous times rather than laughter and joy. In addition, the holidays may be a triggering time for others. You may find some people in your life are more irritable, withdrawn, explosive, disconnected, and you fill in the blank. While your behavior, your joy, does not waiver on the other person’s behavior, how you respond will matter. Offering empathy can go a long way, “It must be tough for you to think about those things,” can possibly help the other person experience a different type of holiday. As an added note, know that you can have boundaries if others are exhibiting hurtful behavoirs towards you regardless of their pain. That is not be disrespectful or showing lack of empathy. You are not responsible for how the other person receives your boundary, but you are responsible for how you deliver it. And, sometimes, setting the boundary is the kindest thing you can do for another.
Third, respect that not everyone has a family to enjoy. As a nine-year-old little girl whose dad had died and whose mom was in such grief that she could barely function, if it had not been for some very kind people, there would have been no Christmas for me. As time went on, holidays did not get any smoother and kind people continued to step in. And then by my mid 30s it was just me at Christmas. That was tough. And it was tough for me to hear about everyone else’s plans and how decorated their house was and all the things that go with the holidays. Really, I just wanted to crawl in a hole and not come out until January 2. While there were still kind people who offered an opportunity for me to be with them during the holidays (and I did take them up on their offer), I still felt like “odd man out.” You will have people like that in your life. They are not necessarily “Debbie Downers”; they simply just do not have much to look forward during the holidays. You can offer them time with you and your family, or you can simply let them know you are thinking of them during this time through a text or phone call. Just remembering them could help them have a different perspective for this holiday season.
This by no means an exhaustive list of ways to reach others during the holiday season. But it may offer you an opportunity to extend the greatest gifts during this season: faith, hope, and love.