Jesus and the Narcissist
Describe Jesus. Now describe the narcissist. It doesn’t appear that the two are likely to ever comingle. But what if love wins?
Chuck DeGroat writes in When Narcissism Comes to Church, “A descriptor like ‘narcissist’ names the persona, the mask, a part of someone, but like the descriptors (doctor, father, diabetic, etc.) it does not account for our core ‘true self’ hidden with Christ in God.”
Wait…what? A narcissist can be hidden in Christ, can be accepted by Christ? Yes! And thank God! Literally.
The term narcissism in our culture is used flippantly. It is used to describe celebrities, bosses, co-workers, and even pastors. It should be anything but flippant. The term narcissist derives from Narcissus which comes from the Greek narc meaning, “numbness.” Narcissists are numb to their own pain and the pain they inflict. However, people who have experienced the pain of narcissism will vehemently claim that it is nothing to be flippant about! It is painful to be made to feel like one is crazy, wrong, insecure, and confused; it leaves a “relational debris field” (DeGroat).
Narcissists cannot bear their own “limitations of humanity.” Because of this inability, narcissists often manifest in form of control by means of shaming and blaming sometimes right in your face (overtly) and sometimes right under the radar (covertly). They exhibit characteristics of grandiosity, entitlement, a need for admiration and a lack of empathy to those who are in their thralls. But to the outside world, they appear talented, charismatic, charming, confident, strong leadership, and devoted to God (some might even say “on fire” for God). These traits to the outsider often appear as strengths, yet this Jekyll and Hyde persona can make the sanest of people feel insane.
As hard it is to have compassion for someone hurting another, let us note that a narcissist was not born a narcissist; he or she was made, usually through trauma. It is a learned behavior. Narcissists are often unaware of their own motivations for what they are doing (DeGroat). The behaviors such as attention seeking, need for approval, lack of empathy, sense of entitlement, lack of intimacy are often beneath the conscience awareness of the narcissist. DeGroat observes, “ The more elevated someone is, the more pronounced the narcissistic behavior may be, leading to potential issues in relationships, work, and other aspects of life.” So, does that excuse their behavior? Absolutely not! However, this information may provide you a different look into the behavior, provide you even confirmation for what you’re experiencing.
For people encountering a narcissist’s snare, know this one truth: it’s not you! You are not crazy, you are not shameful, you are not worthless! You are a valuable child of God, “A royal priesthood belonging to God” (1 Peter 2:9). Now, while this is true for you, it is also true for the narcissist (hard to swallow, I know). Jesus’s love, forgiveness, mercy, AND truth does not discriminate. It is for all (John 3:16). 1 Peter 3:18 states, “Christ suffered and died for sins once and for all-the innocent for the guilty-to bring you near to God…” All of us has sinned and need God’s mercy (Romans 3:23). I am just as much of a sinner as the narcissist. The difference is my sin may not impact, cripple, or hurt as much as a narcissist’s sin, but my sin needs God’s forgiveness just the same.
It is true to that God’s love covers even the narcissist’s sin, but it does not mean his or her behavior is excused. It does not mean that you have to tolerate it. If you are part of a narcissist’s web, whether at home, work, church, etc., know that you can set boundaries with him or her, you can ask for help, and, if necessary, you can walk away.
If you feel you are working within a narcissistic relationship, we can help you. Don’t be afraid to reach out, to stop the cycle of pain!